I am a Loser


so an old acquaintance of mine from high school got this three-book deal via three rivers press, and the first book just pubbed:

dave white.

and it’s totally awesome and exciting and i’m so happy for him. i ordered the book from amazon the other week, and i’m looking forward to reading it.

aside from this sense of excitement i feel from knowing someone personally who has accomplished this sort of thing, there’s something else. and it’s not like the jealousy i feel when I get my emerson college alumni magazine in the mail (expressions) and then throw it across the room because everyone has accomplished so much.

it’s more the realization that…dude! i’m such a loser!

it’s like that time i went to the grande saloone the night before thanksgiving and all of clifton high was there and i felt like i had to justify myself to people when explaining that i was an intern at the age of 24 (feminist press). and even though i loved my internship to bits and felt that i had finally stumbled upon the field of my dreams (different from field of dreams), i felt all sheepish and loserish.

and now i’m an intern at the age of 27 (nerve), and i don’t have all that much to show for myself. anonymous reviews in publishers weekly. anonymous appearances at the nysun, where i proof pieces and go. pieces in playgirl and nypress. aside from that, a marketing career i abandoned, and a clear sense of what i don’t want to do.

i don’t have a flippin’ clue where i’m headed.

most days i don’t mind. i’m trying out the “patchwork paycheck” thing. i’m doing work that doesn’t stress me out. i’m finally becoming involved in a web mag i’ve read and loved for years. and i’ve started up my own non-personal blog, which i’ll soon have enough posts to officially launch. i’m exhausted, but not in the my-soul-is-dead way i felt working at my last job.

today, though, i just wish i knew what i was working toward.


4 Responses to “I am a Loser”

  1. 1 icagirl

    I find it sickening how addicted I am to reading your blog now. I’ve been checking it every half hour to make sure you didn’t post anything new and then woohoo, you finally did. It’s like reality television but better. Okay, that’s awesome about that guy’s book deal. And, about everything else, you’ll get there. It’s just as important to know what you don’t want then it is to know what you want, as strange and cliche as that sounds.

  2. You know, I used to hate reality television, but then I saw America’s Next Top Model. And Project Runway. And So You Think You Can Dance. And stuff.

    I should attempt to post everyday, but my life is not that exciting. It’s bipolar: My life is awesome! I’m a loser! Wait, no, my life is awesome!

    It’s better than before, though. I used to just post about how much I hated my job.

  3. 3 orboy

    I feel the same way as you sometimes steph. I mean, first there’s these people at my work getting these awesome jobs right out of college that I had to basically spend 5 years getting “experience” for. But then there’s also this feeling of where am I really? And is this where I want to be? or where I want to be heading? Do I even know who I am or what I really want to do? As it’s heading now, I’ll have been in 3 different positions in my company in less than 6 months. Will this 3rd position be the one for me? And if not, what is? or where can I go from there?

    But at the same time, does it really matter if its not the right job? As long as I continue the search, I think not.

    You’re not a loser. You (nor I) just haven’t won yet.

  4. it’s crazy! i proofread nights at the nysun, and all the staff reporters there are straight out of college! it’s difficult to not feel somewhat ashamed. but then i remember that i dropped out of the journalism program at tcnj because it wasn’t the right fit for me, and being able to report on real estate deals isn’t exactly something i should be jealous of.

    on one level, i actually know you’re right. i always preach to others that it’s not too late to find the right career, and it’s always a good thing to figure out what you DON’T want in the course of your early-life job-hopping.

    i just get frustrated at the thought that i’m not getting any closer to a definitive answer.

    p.s. it’s pretty awesome that your company lets you try out so many different hats there. it’s nice to have an employer who nurtures your career aspirations, however fuzzy they may be.

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