yesterday, as i was sitting on the bus heading back to jersey after a full day at nerve, feeling utterly exhausted, i received a call from my copy chief at the sun. “are you coming in?” she asked, and i suddenly realized that i had fucked up. my schedule had finally gotten the best of me.

later on, lying in bed, it occurred to me that i hadn’t used my vibrator in at least two months (i apologize if this is tmi). “oh my god!” i wailed into the darkness. “i don’t even have time for orgasms anymore!”


so i find that, when taking the elevator up to or down from the nerve office and I find myself riding with a “coworker” (i put this in quotes as i am but a lowly intern),  i feel retardedly awkward and, when i’m not rudely hiding behind whatever book i’m reading at the moment (shelley jackson’s half life right now, which is filled with beautiful language and imagery), we end up talking about something ridiculous. like when will told me how he often returns things at h&m, because he feels stupid going up to the register with just a little pair of underpants, so he grabs a shirt or a scarf or something that he doesn’t want. and returns it later in the day. or how he once woke up with a cockroach on his neck. yesterday, jodie and i talked about the different smells in the elevator. earlier in the day, i had noticed that it smelled like chinese takeout. once, jodie said, there were squeegee men in the elevator (the guys who wash your windows against your will at intersections), and apparently the elevator smelled like b.o. for days afterwards. “i don’t think he’s very discerning, our front desk man…” i said, which was apparently hilarious.

i need a book on how not to be socially retarded.


One Response to “drat.”

  1. 1 icagirl

    even as a co-worker of people, i come up with the spazziest things to talk about in the elevator. however, i have found this to be true of everyone else as well. for instance, i’ve had this said to me whilst in the elevator – “that doesn’t beat the time i had a sexual experience with cheese” (or something like that, it was a long time ago -although i still ask the guy about it and he won’t explain it to me).

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