and the long week comes to an end.

25Nov07

i’ve been a little nuts lately, clinging to the impending holiday season with a bit more mania than usual. perhaps it’s the tradition…something to grab onto in the face of all this change i’ve been experiencing in the past few months. it reached a fever pitch these past few days, when i was given a two-day weekend for the first time in awhile.

my holiday mania began to falter early saturday evening, when i began to get way more despondent than was necessary about the state of our living room.

michael let me drag him around to ikea, bed, bath & beyond, raymour & flanigan, and target to look for a coffee table, wall art, and shelving. after all this, i was still depressed and emotionally wrung out, which didn’t leave me well-prepared for the conversation we then had on the fact that i never hang out with his friends.

now, the reasons for this are threefold:

  • his friends’ arrivals into town tend to occur with absolutely no warning or fanfare whatsoever, which of course ensures (with my 40+ hrs./wk. in nyc; at least 10 hrs./wk. of at-home freelancing; choir; and whatever friend/family time i can squeeze in) that i will already be booked up and unable to hang.
  • if i am not already booked, it is because they are hanging out late at night, which is, frankly, past my bedtime. i am now too old, decrepit, burnt out, and exhausted to begin my evenings at 10 p.m.
  • for those marathon-length events that sometimes transpire, it is difficult for me to cope with my frustrating/retarded social anxiety. without fail, there will come a point in the festivities where i hit the Wall Of My Social Abilities. when this occurs, i experience exhaustion and a deep panic (which tends to manifest itself with hot flashes, stomach pain, and an interior voice insistently whispering we have to leave, we have to leave, we have to leave NOW DAMMIT!!!) i realize this is slightly psychotic, but i’ve thus far been unable to completely overcome it. that’s why i take my victories where i can, such as that time i attended a networking event on my own and was proud of myself for lasting an hour.

of course, this causes a bit of trouble in my relationship with michael, who is usually willing to go just about anywhere with me.

i know michael resents me for the imbalance that exists here. i also know that I am probably thought of by his friends as The Girl They Wish Michael Never Married, because I am not properly assimilating into this intimate circle of theirs.

i am now hovering around being angry-guilty-resentful-upset.

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2 Responses to “and the long week comes to an end.”

  1. 1 neonfoxtongue

    😦 No fun. But all your reasons and feelings on this subject are valid, so it might just be a matter of working with them.

    Is there any way you can pre-arrange a dinner or mini-cocktail party at your place in which only his friends are invited (with maybe one of your own friends for moral support)? You might feel better on your own turf – you can seek into the bedroom for a few minutes if you start to feel overwhelmed. Just a thought.

  2. 2 Charlotte

    You should all go dancing with that kid from your wedding.


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