In Which Stephanie Goes Off the Deep End


Hello world! I haven’t been around much this week. Instead, I was having a nervous breakdown and watching my computer self-destruct! Wheee!

And the week started out so well! Nicole and I holed up in the condo on Sunday with Pizza Hut and wine, eventually moving on to chocolate and Drake’s cakes, maple bacon, and McDonalds. (How I didn’t gain any weight that day, I’ll never know.) It was so nice that, when Monday rolled around, I wasn’t ready for it.

Nor was I ready for Tuesday. I felt distracted, unmotivated, uninspired. I did my MM blogging at the speed of molasses, and with less frequency than usual. I spent my afternoons aimless. I demanded pie.

That very same day, my browser started acting…funny. When clicking on results in several Google searches, my browser took me to entirely different pages. I wondered if Google was having problems, and marveled that I hadn’t read anything about it. Image searches were working fine. I promptly forgot about it.

The next day, whilst attempting to work, my Internet connection kept going down. Every. five. minutes. I had gotten a late start to the day as it was, and had only managed to squeeze in three MM posts. I still had a Freelancedom post to work on, and mag pitches I wanted to develop. I sent Michael an irate e-mail, demanding that I be given a direct connection to the Internet (I was on a wireless card), explaining that my computer was — at the moment — my only means of making money in what was left of my shambles of a career. We spoke on the phone and I ended up sobbing about my lack of work, my almost-empty bank account, that paycheck that hadn’t come in the mail yet…My fear over my work situation was finally catching up to me. That night, convinced that I just needed a new wireless card (and perhaps a tranquilizer), Michael bought me a USB wireless adapter.

The next day, back at work on my computer, I noticed that my Internet was being slower than usual. I e-mailed Michael, explaining once again that I wasn’t satisfied with a wireless connection. Michael acquiesced, saying that we could return the adapter as long as we had the receipt. Where was the receipt? In the dumpster outside, in the bag that had been used that morning to take out the cat poop. I went outside in my pajamas and fished the bag-o-poop out of the very bottom of the otherwise-empty dumpster. By this point in my day, my e-mail exchanges with Michael were becoming more and more heated, and I was weeping every five minutes. I still had to go into the city for an interview at a staffing agency, and for a media happy hour. I obviously wasn’t up to it. I scheduled an emergency appointment with Dr. Jill.

I took a Xanax before my commute in, and managed to make it through my interview, though I didn’t feel entirely with-it. I went to my shrink appointment and cried some more. I decided that I was in no shape to be drunkenly charming at a social event, with people I would really prefer to make a good impression on, so I ended up going straight back to Jersey — conflicted as I was about it — and sleeping over my parents’ house. Both me and Michael felt we needed a break from each other.

By this point, I had realized it was my time of month. My PMDD was making my mood spiral out of control, especially since I had abruptly stopped taking my Yaz the month before. Since stopping my Lexapro awhile ago, the Yaz had been the only thing keeping me in check. Obviously, I had underestimated how much it was helping me.

The story since then? After returning home from my little sleepover at my parents’ place, the computer situation has worsened. I was unable to even start up the computer on Friday morning. My father came over, managed to get it started, and then was unable to uninstall the demon adapter from hell. He went home convinced that my computer had some sort of virus. When Michael came home, he was finally able to uninstall the damn adapter, and connect me to the Internet directly. This morning, however, I was once again unable to start up my computer. Turns out I did had a virus. Michael’s taking care of it. Both it and my mood are finally stable.

So here I am again!

The morals of this story?

Be on the lookout for early warning signs, whether they take the form of aimlessness and pie cravings or faulty web browsers.

Also, never stop your meds.


4 Responses to “In Which Stephanie Goes Off the Deep End”

  1. Sometimes everything sucks, medications or not. Sounds like you made it through with decent composure and made the right decisions to avoid socialization in your rough state. Next week will be better I’m sure.

    Thanksgiving for me is always strange. It’s about the time of the year when I realize I haven’t been good financially and that I need to be careful buying holiday presents. Then I get stressed. I don’t know if I’ll sobb, but I’ll definitely be passive aggressive.

  2. Ha! It’s definitely a tough time to take a look at financial inadequacies. And I so often go overboard with the xmas gifting. I can’t help myself.

    Let’s cross our fingers that the holidays don’t break us.

  3. 3 Alicia

    Isn’t it crazy to think that in hindsight, if you’d realized it was a virus (which is now the first thing I assume if my computer starts acting a little weird, and immediately run an update and full scan – likely excessive and possibly overreacting, but viruses are evil and must be detected early before they ruin everything, as they tend to do) and figured out where you were in your cycle, you’d probably have approached everything so differently? I always kick myself when things turn disastrous, and then it’s those things that, while not small, if properly addressed in the first place would’ve made everything bad go away. Alas!

    Glad to hear you’re back on track. Take a deep breath. Think happy thoughts. Never throw away a receipt. Hehe

  4. 4 neonfoxtongue

    Sorry that you had such a rough week due to a combo of things – external and internal. I just wanted to encourage you to cut yourself some slack – even without the meds issue, you’re dealing with some stressful stuff these days as you try to move your freelance career forward. Anyone would be worried and have their mood affected! But you’re still doing pretty well – you’ve had a number of pieces published recently for one. And remember that you’re doing something that many people only dream of doing. So be sure to give yourself a pat on the back and then re-group and move forward! 🙂

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